Scared of failing

All through my whole life, and even as a child, I've always felt like I've been a bit thicker or bigger than everyone else. I really didn't start learning about nutrition until about a year and a half ago, when I went Vegetarian. Growing up, my family ate a lot of fast food and processed meals. I also started using food as a crutch. When I was sad, I ate. When I was mad, I ate. When I was happy, I ate. Food has always been a reward to me. If I have a stressful day, I convinced myself that I deserved to have something "special" for dinner. If I had a wonderful day, I convinced myself of the same thing. Into my late teens/early adult hood, I realized the effects that all of this has had-weight gain. From the time I graduated high school and until now, I've put on about 30 pounds. I've started a couple of diet programs since then and I've joined the gym. The crummy thing is, you can do an hour of cardio and burn 600 calories but it won't help if you just go right home and eat a 1000 calorie meal. I guess I've just taken a half-assed approach when it has come to weight loss. I'm tired of this vicious cycle and I refuse to continue doing what I've been doing. I'm tired of living to eat when I should be eating to live. This is definitely an emotional battle for me...it's important enough to blog about! Food...and then the guilt of eating too much food has always been something that tortures me every single day. It's become obsessive.

I've tried Sparkpeople.com before-this is actually my second time doing it. I am bound and determined to stick with it and to finally teach myself that food is not what life is all about. I've put in all of my information and it's calculated a healthy weight goal for me. It's even given me a realistic time frame to lose the weight. I limit myself to 1240-1590 calories per day. I drink 8 glasses of water per day and according to Sparkpeople, I only have to work out 3 times a week. This last week has been a success. I've cooked all of my own meals-measuring out proportions, calories, fat, carbs and protein. I went to the gym 3 times and even did some strength training at home on my "off" days. I went to the grocery store yesterday and stocked my kitchen with healthy foods and I've vowed not to eat out. I've been packing my own lunches for work.

I hope I can stick to this routine and I challenge all of you who read my blog to call me out if I end up eating anything I shouldn't be!